Unshackled, Unashamed - Taylor Griffith

Whoever sows generously will also reap generously...

Mon, 2 Nov 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I'm posting this in support of my friend and Sister Kimi Cantrell // http://kimicantrell.theworldrace.org/

So, it seems that a great need has arisen during the course of Kimi's trip. The money that she was going to use to pay for The WR is now being used to pay for the hospital bills she incurred during the 3rd month of The WR (see her blog @ top). I encourage everyone who reads this to support Kimi with more than you can afford.

2 Corinthians 9

Sowing Generously

⁶Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. ⁷Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. ⁸And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. ⁹As it is written: "He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor; his righteousness endures forever."^[a] ¹⁰Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. ¹¹You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

¹²This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. ¹³Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. ¹⁴And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. ¹⁵Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

The Cost of Grace

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

    What I feel right now, words cannot possibly express. Living in the fullness of God's grace, leaving my sin at the foot of the cross, and walking in the weightless freedom of Christ that brings with it the realization of joy. What brought me to this point? The full recognition of my sin and how much I need Gods grace.
   If what God says is true, if what the Bible says is truth, then I don't have to live in regret or in shame because of my sin. If what Jesus spoke, every word of it, is truth, then I'm FREE from my sin. I don't even have to look at it, because I'm a new creation.
   Being a Christian is UNNATURAL! The call of Christ brings us to a place where we pursue the unnaturally good things of this world:

Forgiveness, asking others for forgiveness, so were available to forgive freely.

Humility, being content with second place.

Relationship, knowing that God wants to get to know you.

Grace, recognizing God's forgiveness in our lives (when we don't deserve it) and being able to freely give it to others without judgment.

Love, being able to love ourselves fully so we're available to love others fully.

Purity, a recognition that all of God is more than enough to sustain me and that the simple pleasures of this world are meaningless.

Service, dying to yourself so that you're alive to meet the needs of those around you.

This stuff is NOT NATURAL! People don't just do this on their own. If they did, we'd already be living in heaven and not this jacked up place full of hate, murder, malice, contempt, jealousy, and all the other junk we find in our hearts. But, because of these things and because of Jesus Christ, we have the freedom to look at the sin in our lives, for what it really is! We can look at how we fail and repent, recognizing that God's gift is even greater, even bigger, because His son's sacrifice is sufficient to cover all my sin.
Without sin can there be redemption? Without judgment can there be grace? Without our understanding of sin, Jesus has absolutely nothing to offer.

A Kid and a Chemistry Set

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:00:00 GMT

    Part of me didn't really know what to expect when coming on this trip. It's almost as if I expected some sort of alternate reality, where one moment I'd be conquering the world and the next I'd wake up in bed, as if nothing ever happened. Coping mechanism galore?
   Sometimes I feel like a little kid who's been asking God for a chemistry set and when He gives it to me, I feel like I know exactly what I'm doing! I'm an expert! So, I begin mixing chemicals together I can only assume go together, but instead of a sweet perfume, the whole thing blows up in my face. Why? Because, I'm a kid...with a chemistry set! Does having a chemistry set and wearing the white coat make me an expert?
   The more I learn about God and who He is, I realize more and more how little I really know. When I assume I've got it all together or think, "Yay! I'm really doing great, really," things tend to blow up in my face. The dreams fade, the cloud dissipates, and there I'm left standing, a little kid with a chemistry set.
   But, the good news is that the story doesn't end there, and as I surrender the set to God, He shows me how to create the very perfume I failed so miserably to create on my own.

A Vision for the Purpose of Edification

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Every night we try to make it a point to come together and have a Bible study and also discuss our day and bring any darkness in our hearts to Light. This morning, Cori brought some frustrations before the group and as she was talking I was praying that God give me a vision so that I could encourage her. This is an account of that vision.

I see your hands running through stalks of wheat as you slowly walk through a field. As the picture grows larger I see that you're actually in a very large garden. It is lush with fruit and an abundance of brightly colored trees, shrubs, and all other assortments of flora and fauna. You're totally at peace, wrapped up in the beauty that surrounds you. You're walking in the garden of God's love.

As the picture grows still larger I notice that there are many people outside of this garden. They're spread out over the land, far and wide, and all seem to be struggling. This scene is one of chaos, a stark contrast from the peace within the garden, where you continue to walk. As you remain in the garden and enjoy its beauty, its borders begin to swell. It rapidly overtakes every inch of dead earth it comes into contact with and those who are nearest the outskirts get swallowed up in the mass of greenness. They are immediately at peace. No longer distracted by the chaos of the world around them, they are still and quiet, fulfilled, full of joy! The more you enjoy the garden, the more it grows, the more it brings others into the peace and tranquility of everything the garden has to offer.

So, what does this vision mean?

As we continue to pour into God, He will continue to pour into us. As that outpouring of the Spirit becomes an overflow, God's light will spill out over others and they will see Him for everything He is. It's not our responsibility to change people's hearts, it's our responsibility to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and body. It's not about what I can do, but what He can do through me.

Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity.

Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.

Colossians 4:5-6 NLT

Hilarious Late Nights in Nicaragua! (Video)

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

So, what happens when you get 12 World Racers together to pursue God's will in 11 different countries? You get an amazing movement of the Holy Spirit! But, what about at the end of the day when we all come together to hang out? What happens then? CRAZINESS HAPPENS! Bahahaha...

Flashback to Guatemala

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

(Written July 3, 2009)

How do I summarize a month of intense growth in Christ into a single blog post that's short enough to hold your attention, contains enough pictures to keep you interested, and vulnerable enough to encourage and edify those who read it? I have no idea!

I've never experienced pursuing Christ within community. I mean, you can look through the ENTIRE New Testament and find tons of references to it, but I've never truly experienced it, even at church. So, what does it look like? What makes it so revolutionary?

I can think of many examples, and they all share a common bond in truth, humility,and edification. When someone does something that gets on your nerves, that you don't like, that doesn't sit well, even if it's small, you bring it to Light. 1 John talks about God being Light and in Him there is no darkness at all and if we say that we walk in the Light, but continue to walk in darkness we are liars. Bring darkness to the Light. When you bring those feelings and thoughts to the table (the Light), they're exposed and can no longer build resentment or bitterness within your own thoughts (the darkness).

When you prefer others above yourself...

Ok, can I be completely honest? God has done some amazing things this month. He's grown me in ways I never imagined, I've experienced His love in ways I never dreamed, and even experienced some great adventures, courtesy of God's goodness...but I haven't been able to get any of it out! Ugh! Writers block... Hence the lack of bloggage lately. I apologize!

I guess that's a good example of how this month has been for me spiritually...DRY! But, even within this season, there has been so much fruit! I've seen Mira, the girl pictured below freed from a demon, God bring new people into our Squad, provision, faithfulness, and so much more. I think it has a lot to do with my willingness to pursue Him regardless of how I feel and also to act in obedience. To take the Bible SERIOUSLY for freaking once and actually LIVE OUT what it says.

In all things pray...I pray a lot and when I tell people I'll pray for them, I do it right THEN. God is Light and in Him there is no darkness. I've begun to try and admit my sins, to bring anything that doesnt sit well in my spirit to the table, and when I dont bring them to the table there are others around me who encourage me to bring it to Light. A band of three strands is not easily broken...I pursue relationships and get pursued when I dont feel very social. Hey, it happens! Do not let any unwholesome talk come from your lips...that's what she said jokes, just don't have the same zip they used to. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and spirit...I pursue relationship with Him even when I feel like I get nothing out of it, and listen to see what God wants to tell me, rather than vomit all of my problems at His feet. It's been FRUSTRATING, but it's also been amazing to see the results!

Today our squad went to a special-needs children's hospital in Antigua. A place full of handicapped orphans who were discarded after they were born, because apparently theyre unlovable. When I found out where we were going I wasn't too excited, because for the past couple of days I've turned into quite the anti-socialist. I've just wanted to be on my own, without having to worry about encouraging other people, or edifying, or bother with who's doing what or going where. But on the way to this hospital Jared and I started talking about prayer and how important it is in our everyday lives and shared the fruits of it that we ourselves have experienced. So, when we got to hospital we encouraged one another and lifted each other and ourselves up in prayer. It totally changed my heart! After praying I was so ready to go in and love those kids...something I've never been very comfortable with. When we got inside there were basically rooms full of cribs where kids were laying, because they weren't physically capable of walking around. Some were crying, some screaming, and some laying in silence. It was heart-breaking, but one special boy caught my eye...I ended up spending our entire time there with an 8-year-old handicapped orphan named Roberto. Man he really touched my heart. I held him, talked to him in the little Spanish I know, played with him, fed him, held his hands, and rubbed his head when he got tired...my heart grew a lot today.

Compassion is so not my default, but through prayer and willingness, God changed my heart in an instant and replaced my bad attitude with joy and excitement. I love that kid and I know one day I will see Roberto in heaven and he will be a perfect creation, complete!

Matthew 25:40, Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me-you did it to me.'

Beauty is Deeper Than Skin (Video)

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

A look at our ministry here in Nicaragua from the eyes of Warren Cheely. A day of beauty!

A Guatenation Summation (Video)

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Here's a video that my teammate Warren Cheely posted. It's a summation of most of what our month looked like in Camotan, Guatemala. Enjoy!

More or Less, Less is More

Fri, 5 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

If it had been up to me I probably wouldn't have raised enough support to be on this trip right now. Before I even started raising support I had a few names on my mind. The ole, "Oh he's rich so he'll probably hook me up with tons of cash," and the "I go to a huge church, so I'm sure I'll get tons of support from there..." It's funny how God turns our expectations upside down and forces us to submit to His will. I think I'm still struggling with part of that lesson, but hey, it's OK to not be OK right?

The places I've gotten the most support have been the places I least expected. The people I didn't ask to pray have been the ones PURSUING ME for ways to pray. The people I don't even know personally, the people I didn't have hope in, the ones that dont go to my church, these have been the people who have given. The ones I know can't afford it have been the ones who have given the most. It's been a very interesting lesson.

I think God is saying focus less on what we need and more on His provision. Focus less on what we can't and more on what He can. Focus less on what we don't and more on what He does. Focus less on who I'm not and more on who He is.

God likes to shake things up. He likes to use people we would never expect. He uses those who have less to give more. He uses those who can't speak to lead a nation out of bondage. He uses those who are barren to number the earth like stars. He uses the weak to conquer giants. He uses silence to defeat nations. He uses death to give life... Ultimately He only uses those who will be used. Will you?

This is why it's so important to be in alignment with His will. To constantly seek Him and know His heart. Because if we're all walking around seeing only with our eyes, we won't hear His voice and will certainly be lead astray. We'll never receive the promise. We'll never experience more of Him. We'll forever be left to play in the shallow end of the pool. Who wants that? Not me! I want to jump off the diving board into the depths of who He is. This trip is becoming less and less about what I can do and more and more about how He is changing me.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me financially and also those of you that continue to pray for me. I think I only need a few hundred more to reach my annual goal and I have no doubt that God will continue to provide in exciting ways. But honestly, I'm more worried about your prayers. Please be praying that my team and I remain and rest in His love. Perfect love casts out all fear. It was love that Saved each of us and it is a reflection of that love that will continue to bring others to Him.

The First 48 Hours...

Tue, 2 Jun 2009 00:00:00 GMT

So, we made it! Safe and sound. And after two days in Boston, a four hour flight to Houston, an hour layover, a three hour flight to Guatemala City, another hour at the airport, and a four hour van ride into the mountains, I was getting ready to settle down.

It's only been two days and God has already begun growing and moving within our squad. We're learning that brokenness and growth in Christ is a constant process and as soon as we start getting comfortable, God will shake things up again.

Earlier today my team came across a woman sitting by the lake crying. Her husband had been beating her and told her he didn't want her anymore. She had nowhere to go, no money, and no hope. She wanted to die. For almost an hour Tara sat huddled next to her and prayed with her, even after it started raining. After walking back up from the lake to the caf by our hotel, we exchanged one of Tara's $20's for 160Q and we put her on a bus for Guatemala City where her mom lives.

So, that's about it for now. I'll try to keep everyone updated when I have time! Pray for rest in the Lord, I'm super tired already, and that we continue to seek His will. Thank you all so much for your continued support!

I Surrender All

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I'm not really sure how the idea popped into our heads, but at some point, Will Miller and I decided to set out on an epic road trip before we leave for Guatemala on May 31st. A lot of people thought I was crazy when I told them we were driving to San Diego from Georgia only two weeks before we leave the country for a year. Add that to the fact that I still haven't raised all the money I need to even go on this trip. It must have seem selfish and self-serving, but for some reason I felt like California was where I'm supposed to be.

I came to California expecting a small reunion with friends, relaxation, and adventure. What I've found is brokenness, surrender, and encouragement that can only be found in the body of Christ.

God has been asking me to give up something I had refused Him time and time again: relationship. Even as I write this my heart hurts because the pain of surrender is so fresh, but God's goodness is comforting. He has provided unlikely and unexpected friendships from His people here in California. I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've felt so close to so many strangers. I'm not the only one God has been moving to a point of surrender either. All around the small community I've encountered here in San Diego, specifically The Rock Church, surrender seems to be a theme of the night. We've all had a chance to relate to and encourage one another as God deals with us. God is good, even when it hurts!

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

Matthew 5:4 in The Message

I still remember Tiffany, Will, AJ, Ashley, and Nick walking up to me tonight and asking me how I was feeling. I tried to play off the internal struggle that was going on, but they encouraged me to share, so I did. "I've got to surrender some stuff," I offered. I guess I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, because without hesitation Tiffany asks, "Can we pray with you?" I was relieved and welcomed them all. As they began to pray, the tears flowed. I'm not sure where they came from, but I can admit that it felt so good to cry. The grief, the pain, the hurt, and all the fear seemed to lessen with each tear. I didn't want to surrender to God, but I knew that His love IS true, His promises ARE real, and His call IS irresistible, so I decided trusting in His plan, rather than mine, was the best choice. I have to be obedient.

There's such a safety and security that exists inside the body of Christ.

I've truly come to appreciate the closeness that can only be found within God's family. God always tends to work in the ways we least expect, or in my case the ways we NEVER expect. After surrendering so much at training camp a month ago, I never thought God would still be dealing with parts of my life I've been trying to hide from Him. He wants every part of us and He won't give up on us until we give in to Him. He is so faithful...Praise God!

Bless Others, Don't Watch This

Thu, 14 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Perfecting Failure

Thu, 7 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

So, I have to be honest. It's kind of frustrating how I figured, by now, I'd be on my way to perfection. With all this talk of "It's OK, not to be OK" and "God is good regardless of my sin", I assumed that my willingness to accept my failure and recognize His goodness would somehow exempt me from the struggle of sin. I thought the battle would magically belong to the Lord and I could just whistle my way down the yellow brick road to happily ever after. It hasn't turned out that way at all.

Two steps forward, one step back.

It's this type of thinking that keeps kicking me while I'm down. I experienced this sort of deliverance from sin and so I assumed that I was bullet proof. I ignored the lion in my peripheral that was seeking to devour me. The biggest storm of my entire life was approaching, but instead of battening down the hatches I was picking daisies, totally oblivious to everything around me. Well the storm came and it stayed. It made itself at home in the middle of my life, wreaking havoc on everything I thought I was and everything I am becoming.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Numbers 22-25 speaks of a time when the Israelite men were seduced by Moabite women as they were on their way to the Promised Land. It was literally right around the corner, but they allowed themselves to, yet again, be distracted! Balak the king of Moab had seen how the Israelites handled the Amorites and was afraid of them. He was so afraid that he sent for the prophet Balaam, and promised that if Balaam could speak to God and curse the Israelites he would give him great riches. Three different time Balak built altars to God and sent Balaam to curse the Israelites and three time Balaam returned with blessings of the Israelites. But, Balaam was set on receiving the riches he was promised, so he took matters into his own hands. Revelation 2:14 says, But I have a few things against you, because you have there some who hold the teaching of Balaam, who kept teaching Balak to put a stumbling block before the sons of Israel, to eat things sacrificed to idols and to commit acts of immorality.

The Israelites succeeded in doing what the attempted curses of Balak failed to do. They were distracted from the Promised Land because of their own rebellion and their own selfishness, and God was angry, so He set a plague on Israel. God spoke to Moses and told him to kill all of the leaders involved, in broad daylight so everyone could see, so that His anger may turn away from Israel.

Two steps forward, one step back.

The Israelites had been delivered from slavery in Egypt, seen the Red Sea parted, eaten mana that fell from heaven, seen God guide them to victory in battle, experienced deliverance from aggressors, and been protected from the curses of those who feared them. Yet, we watch Israel time and time again rebel against God, and time and time again repent of their sins. Somehow, I really find myself relating.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Hebrews 11:33-34 says, who by [the help of] faith subdued kingdoms, administered justice, obtained promised blessings, closed the mouths of lions, extinguished the power of raging fire, escaped the devourings of the sword, out of frailty and weakness won strength and became stalwart, even mighty and resistless in battle, routing alien hosts. Frailty doesn't really mean much until you look up its meaning.

Frail - easily lead into evil or temptation; easily broken or destroyed.

So, I'm frail and exist in frailty. This much has become incredibly obvious, but God promises to take me in my frailty and make me stalwart, mighty, resistless, and an overcomer. Even in the midst of our sins, God promises deliverance. That if we just depend on Him, we will have strength! We're not OK and that's OK! I will continue to cling to this truth and I pray you do as well.

Excellence is BS.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Part of me has been fighting the idea of whether to post this or not, but my heart has definitely been pushed to share. So, if I have somehow become a standard of how we can be "good" in Christ and that God has provided me freedom so that now I'm somehow all hunkey-dorey...stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. You will be sorely disappointed. Don't let me be some standard of how good God is. God is GOOD regardless! He is the only one who is good.

My struggle is real.

As soon as I got back home to Jackson, temptation came knocking and I opened the door to let it inside. Not only did I let it inside, but I embraced it! I have been freed from so much; we all have, but just because we're Christians doesn't mean that we'll never struggle again. I've said this before and I'll say it again. It's OK to not be OK! Hold on to that truth and never let it go! So here it is, I'm not OK. I experienced God in a HUGE way and a week later I'm right back on my face. But know this, God is still good! He's still growing in me and will continue His pursuit of me for the rest of my life. Praise God! Why would He do such a thing for me? Because. I'm His son, His prodigal son.

For so much of my life I've tried pursuing self-control, abstinence, holiness, righteousness, and on and on it goes. For so much of my life I've failed MISERABLY and it drove me to be MISERABLE. The pursuit of all these things became a burden that replaced the sexual one. Piling high all of the responsibility to take care of all my junk on my tiny little plate was too much for me to bear, and it continually came crashing down! But, God was still good! He continues to be good! In my failures AND in my successes, He is never any less glorious. So, where's the hope? If we can't do this on our own, how can we do it? I've learned this: Focus on Him. Take your sin, your struggles, your burdens, your worries, your cares, whatever ails you, and throw it away! Burn it! Get it out of your mind! Replace those thoughts of sin with the thoughts of Christ's love for us, not this idea of excellence that we so arrogantly parallel to what we should do, or how good we should be. Focus on this same love that lead Him to sacrifice His only son, His PERFECT son, the son He's loved for all time, the son he sacraficed for you! Are you listening? He did all this to free you! He did it so that you wouldn't have to focus on your struggles and your burdens. They don't matter now! He did it because even WITHIN you're sin, you're worth it! Now all we need to do is focus on Him! There is no shame or condemnation amidst our sin, because they don't matter! Let go!

God has worked powerfully in my life in the last month, His glory has been made real, the little box I've put Him in has been crushed, and I've been freed from a spirit stronghold. Praise God! But hear this; do NOT let me be some standard of how good God is! I AM NOT GOOD! If I struggle with this thorn in my side for the rest of my life, God is good. If we leave for this trip and never make it back home, God is still good! Whatever happens, good or bad, better or worse, life or death, God is STILL good! Though He slay me, I still will love Him!

The Devil Is A Four Year Old

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

The Devil is a four year old. Seriously. He's pissed off at God, so what does he do? He says this, "Oh yeah God? Oh yeah? Well, since you've created these people to give you glory, to take my revenge, I'm going to make them not give you glory! Yeah! How bout that God!" I can hear him sneering now...

In all seriousness, yes, I'm mocking Satan. Why not? What do I have to fear? He only has the power that we give him. How do I know this? Because the battle has already been fought and WON, plus there's the fact that I'm a son of God: the Most High, the Alpha, the Omega, the Beginning, the End, the First, the Last, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, I AM! I even have an inheritance waiting on me in His kingdom, because I'm a prince. Woo! Things are lookin' up.

I need to be reminded of that every day! No, wait, I need to be reminded of that every hour! Hmm, still not good enough, because I find myself knee deep in plenty of junk within an hour...no, I need to be reminded of WHO I AM in Christ, every single second of every single day! And you know what? We as Christians need to start speaking truth into each others life. Not in some awkward, "Thou art a fine example of what the Bible hath spokeneth of Taylor," way. But, in a way the exemplifies who we are in Christ!

If I meet a friend while I'm going somewhere and I know that he's a brother in Christ, why not say, "What's up man of God?" Or if you see a sister, why not encourage her with, "Hey virtuous woman!" If we look at the junk in our own life and how hard we struggle, how do you think your friends are feeling? What if with a word, you could totally ease the weight of someone's burden? You don't have to sacrafice an hour of your day to listen to their problems, or even feign interest if you're not interested. All you have to do is offer a word of truth!

Our words have POWER! And sure, these are pretty campy examples, but here's the thing, we have the ability to build each other up or bring each other down. I know in my own life I thrive on encouragement and the ultimate showing of LOVE is speaking the freedom we have in Christ Jesus into the lives of our brothers and sisters. Paul writes in Galatians 5, "For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself."

Am I getting too religious here? Am I breaking away from my "rawness" or my "realness" that people say they appreciate about my blogs? I sure as hell hope not! I see the truth of this with every part of me and desire to live it out even more! Don't live in shame! Don't be burdened by sin! We've been set free! Sin boldly, knowing that Satan has no power over us and that Jesus paid the ultimate sacrafice on the cross. Love hard, knowing that we are growing our freedom by loving others the way we love ourselves. Live freely, knowing that we are free indeed.

I would go on, but it's late and I have to work in the morning...le sigh!

A "Pome" For My Family

Tue, 7 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Far away from my new family of friends,

My Spirit slowly starts to thin.
I reminisce of all the times we've shared,
But we're no longer together, and it's just not fair!

But God is moving with or without,

He's testing to see what I'm really about.
Is it truly Him that I'm searching for,
Or am I just an experience whore?

So, I test my heart and my desires,
And realize that, yeah, He's set my life on FIRE!
It's Him I want, it's Him I need,
And within my Spirit, it's to Him I plead.

Father keep us and protect us still,
But whatever happens, I pray that it be Your Will.
And to my brothers and sisters, whom I love so dear,
It won't be long now, June will soon be here!

And since we're no longer together, please take heart,
That God has promised to finish all things that start.
And when you're at your lowest, remember the 34 here,

Who will LOVE you, win or lose, so you've got nothing to fear!

Part of me is afraid that I'll mess up and fall right back into all the stuff I've been delivered from, while the other half of me tries to speak the truth of God into my life. However, I find comfort in knowing that regardless of how the world may view me, a winner or a loser according to my struggles, you guys, my God lead family, love me regardless!

It's OK to Not Be OK

Mon, 6 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

You know how the story goes: Your family is driving to church on Sunday morning and it seems like every single one of you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Everyone's screaming, shouting, or pouting, and every single one of you would have rather slept in! You pull up to the church, park in your usual spot, and when you step out of the car, the miracle happens! Everyone is all smiles and gumdrops. "Why hello Pastor Bob," you merrily chime in unison. "What a wonderful day to praise our Lord and Savior!" Yeah right! haha

There's another story Dr. Ron was telling us earlier in the week that goes along with this one. He was teaching a class on grieving at the seminary where he's the Dean of Students or something like that. At the end of the class he encouraged anyone who needed to just speak to the Lord and grieve could do so. Well, one of the students, a 6' 5", 350 lb, black guy sitting in the back row, was one of the ones that decided to stay. We'll call him Cory. There were already tears streaming down Cory's cheeks, so Dr. Ron invited him to speak. Cory slowly stood, his hands open by his side, and his head tilted upward, as if he were looking directly through the roof and into the sky. "Lord," he shouts, "I'm so f---ing tired!" -- As Dr. Ron shared this with us, we all laughed, because naturally, everyone was able to relate. I've been there! Plus, it was pretty funny hearing the f-bomb dropped in the middle of a sermon -- Well, as the f-bomb dropped, so did Dr. Ron, behind the podium he had been teaching from. You see, right down the row from Cory, there was a 70 year old lady sitting in the back of the room also, she happened to be the president's wife. "Oh man, I've done it now." Dr. Ron thought, "They're totally going to fire me for this one! I've got this kid crying and dropping f-bombs in the middle of my class and the president's wife is here to witness it all!" As he was thinking this, the little old lady, who was no more than 5' tall at the most, worked her way over to Cory, who was still weeping. She wrapped one arm around his waste and used the other to pat his back and said, "That's right! You let it all out. Don't hold anything back! You tell God!" Dr. Ron looked up from behind his podium and immediately felt humbled. "Here I was, just finishing a lecture on grief, and when someone actually started grieving, I got all self-conscious about it. Then here's this little old lady ministering to this kid she doesn't even know!" Later, Dr. Ron took Cory to a field where he could just let loose. To scream, to yell, and pray to God however he felt like praying, to grieve it all out. As Dr. Ron was watching Cory and catching an ear load of expletives, faintly audible in the distance, he noticed a nun also listening a few feet away from him. "Oh, ummm, hi sister," he awkwardly presented. "Sorry about all this, he just has some stuff he really needs to get off his chest to God." The nun looked back at Dr. Ron matter-of-factly and replied, "If you think that's bad, you should hear some of my prayers!" -- We all took the opportunity to laugh again, because it's pretty funny imagining some nun cussing to God -- She was being real, practicing aletheias truth, a greek word that means unconcealed.

So, what's my point? Why am I telling these stories? Here's why:

We all try to act like we've got it together and you know what, IT'S A LIE! Throughout my entire church experience, I've never once been in a place where I felt like people could relate to how jacked up I was. As I looked around, all I saw were dresses, suits, and happy smiley people, because that was the expectation. When you walk into church you're supposed to feel happy, look good, and act perfect. Somehow, somewhere, for some reason, we began to believe the lie that because we're Christians, we've got to have it all together! How God makes us feel so happy! How you too can have it all together if only you follow Christ! IT'S A LIE! Satan has twisted, confused, and blurred the meaning of what church should be: a place for jacked up people, going through a whole lot of s--t, where we can just be real and experience freedom and peace! I can't be real with people that are too happy for me to relate to. I'm not always happy.

One of the most freeing moments of my entire life was sharing a secret I'd never told anyone with the eleven guys on my squad. I'm not going to tell you, because honestly, it's just f---ed up, seriously. And as I shared this secret with them, I literally fell to my knees in tears. I had almost talked myself out of sharing at all. "You're going to tell them and they're just going to stare at you when you're done. I mean, you're not even going to show emotion when you tell them, so they're going to think you don't care. Seriously, it's not that big of deal if you share, so just keep it to yourself. You don't want to gross anyone out and have them all think you're just some pervert," but then I did share and I was free. I was hugging the ground and weeping, but I was free. For the next fourty-five minutes later, I found out that I wasn't alone. There were people that could relate to me and by the end of that time sharing, almost all of us had let go of a secret we'd never told anyone. These guys are my heart!

I've learned that it's OK that I'm not OK. Because of Christ and the freedom that is in Him, I don't have to try and live up to something I'm not! Praise Jesus! Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus," and you know what? I finally believe it! I've found a community where we all realize that everyone's jacked up and instead of separating themselves from me because of it, I've found that I get pulled in closer and hugged even tighter as a result! For this kind of community to exist we MUST embrace the fact that it's OK to not be OK! And because of that fact, that we're all not OK, we're going to have a lot of opportunity to grieve. We're all going to have to get over this view that real men don't cry. Because let me just tell you, I'm a real man, and I've boo-hoo'd these past few days, and feel so much manlier because of it! I've cried about the lack of relationship between my mom and I over the past years and so much else. But grieving helped me realize that I don't need to get attention from girls through sex, and has now created a bridge of reparation for me and my mom to begin traveling across. All because I was free to grieve within a community.

I could go on and on, I know we all could, but I'll just leave you with this. Greater is He who is in us, than he who is in the world! God has given us LOVE, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. He's also given us power, purity, holiness, sainthood, strength, humility...the list goes on and on. If we focus on HIM, and what He's done for us, we don't have to worry about what we can't do, because He can do! If we focus on HIM, we can love one another in the midst of sin, because God loves us in spite of ours. If we focus on HIM, we have the strength and power to overcome, because within this spiritual battle God has given us power to be overcomers and to experience true, real life freedom in HIM! Take heart and know that it's OK to not be OK! Take heart in knowing that God is bigger than our sin! Take heart in the truth that even though I'm jacked up, God will us me for His glory and Kingdom purposes! Take heart in being vulnerable, because God will use you to grow community! Take heart my brothers and sisters!

James 1:2-4 (The Message) Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

Let the Spirit Lead

Sat, 4 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

The word Chic-Fil-A
A picture of a man with a gold tooth
A green shirt
A picture of a woman standing in the aisle of a grocery store
Cleaning a house
The name Charise

We were told on Friday morning that later in the day our teams would be asking God for visions and then going to a part of Gainesville called, Little Mexico, to see those visions fulfilled. Needless to say, I wasn't sure how to feel about this. I mean I believe in the Holy Spirit and that it can move in and through and lead us, but I'd never intentionally depended on it for guidance. I was super nervous and scurred! "God, this is huge. How am I going to be able to tell if its You or just my crazy imagination?"

After being prayed for, our teams went off into their own areas to pray together. We asked that the Holy Spirit fill us with visions and lead us as we go out into Little Mexico. We sat and waited. I immediately had a vision of a hispanic man standing amongst a group of other men and he was smiling. Nothing much really stood out to me, except for the fact that he had a gold tooth. I tried to get the thought of of my mind, because OBVIOUSLY my imagination was taking over. A gold tooth? Ridiculous! Our team eventually split up and we all went off on our own to pray individually. I got nothin', notta, squat. I started walking back to the group, but frustrated I stopped and plopped down, like a four year old that wasn't getting his way. "God, I'm not moving from this spot until you give me a vision." So, there I sat. I shortly began envisioning myself walking through a grocery store. As I rounded an aisle filled with bottles, I wasn't sure what kind, and saw a woman standing at the other end. She was a middle-aged Mexican lady with a child, but the child disappeared. Somehow I knew that he wasn't really there or that maybe she was the child.

I still thought my imagination was running wild when I reluctantly returned to the group, dissatisfied and doubtful of what I saw. We were filling our group members in on each vision each of us saw when one of the leaders walked up. "Alright, you guys are going to be meeting in the parking lot of a Dollar General and grocery store..." I immediately stopped listening. "Woah! A grocery store. Maybe there's more to this than I thought," I remember thinking. When we finally reached the Dollar General I eagerly walked into the grocery store with my team as soon as possible. I walked through the front of the store trying to relive the vision I had earlier, but no luck. So, when I got to the back of the store I decided to give the aisles one more go around. As I reached the third to last aisle I stopped. It was almost EXACTLY what I had envisioned, the only difference being the brand of bottles. I was freaking out! The rest of my team didn't seem to share my excitement, but I was pumped! We walked down a couple of more aisles just to get the feel of the store and I decided to walk back to my aisle. This time there was a hispanic lady walking down the aisle away from me. She stopped near the end of the aisle and I was so excited by this point I couldn't hold back. I ran up to her and nearly screamed, "Is your name Charise?" -- Let me pause here a second. You see, the visions listed at the top of this post were from each of our team members. It was basically a puzzle we needed to put together. Well, I took it upon myself to put them together in the order I felt was best, rather than just waiting faithfully -- The lady was taken aback. Her face turned a deep red and she said, "No habla englais." Apparently my brain decided to take that very moment to stop working, because I earnestly asked once again, "Is your name Charise?" By this point she was probably ready to run away. I was awkward turtling big time! Luckily my teammate Tara was right behind me and let her know, in Spanish, that I was trying to ask her name and if she needed help with anything. Well, I think its needless to say that my forcefulness and insensitivity scared her, so she didn't really want much to do with us. The saddest part about the whole situation was that I didn't even notice how forceful I was at the moment, it was only during reflection later that I really recognized my fault. At that moment I was just excited that I had acted faithfully and not let fear keep me from speaking...but the catch is that I let my insensitivity get in the way of talking to this woman.

To make a pretty long story short my team ended up splitting up. I spent the day with Tara, driving around a single Mom, Maria, and babysitting her four daughters: Lucy, Johanna, Jasmine, and Sara, while the other half of my team went to help a family move. I didn't really know much of what went on that day between Tara and Maria, because being a non-Spanish speaker it was easier for me to stay behind and babysit the girls. Man, I was pretty out of my element. The two oldest could speak english, but the younger two only knew Spanish. I spent most of the day reading them a couple of different books, there favorite being, "If You Give a Moose a Muffin," they giggled a lot. I even read them a Spanish children's book and frequently looked to Johanna for correction if I mispronounced anything. It was nice. You could tell they weren't used to male attention and snuggled up next to me on the couch. When we ran out of books, I think they only had about three or four to begin with, I decided I'd make them a fort. I used some kitchen chairs and a blanket. It was pretty simple, but you would've thought I had erected an actual castle! They LOVED it! Success! Well Tara eventually returned and the other half of my group got a ride to Maria's apartment and we headed back to camp.

I was pretty discouraged as we got into my car, because I thought our visions were a bust. I mean I hadn't seen a gold tooth or a Chic-Fil-A or anything, but the excitement on my teammate's faces told me that something must've happened. They had gone to a church, behind a Chic-Fil-A and cleaned a house for the neighbors of the people they helped move. Tara had prayed for a man in a green shirt with a gold tooth and we had served Maria in a way that she said she could never thank us enough. When we were leaving she was in tears, hugging all of her daughters. "You see this man and woman," she told her oldest daughter in Spanish. "They are a gift from God. And the reason they're so happy is because they're God's servants, they'll do whatever He asks. They're going to change the world!" Then she turned to Tara, "Tara, fall in love with God, because when you fall in love, you're willing to do anything for that person. And when you're willing to do anything for God, that's when you've made it!"

A Beautiful Mess

Fri, 3 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Eighteen years ago I became ensnared by the attractive web of hardcore porn. I was a six year old Christian and the 18 years that followed have been full of many different struggles. I mean, I'm sure we can all attest to having mommy and daddy issues, issues of self-worth, loneliness, insecurity, and hopelessness. I experienced all of these and more. It was all big stuff, but the porn, that eventually grew into a drive for sex, continued to be a CRUSHING burden with no escape in sight. I did experience growth and success in areas of my life and even bared fruit in the name of Christ, but I never experienced deliverance, deliverance that we all read so much about in the Bible. That is until this Thursday, April 2nd, on AIM's training grounds.

After five days of experiencing freedom from my generational sin, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, the need for female attention, and a laundry list of others, we began talking about spiritual gifts like: prophecy, healing, visions, and intercession. After Pastor Mark finished speaking, he invited any member of our 34 person team, who wanted more of what God had to offer, even if we weren't sure about all this stuff, to come up and be prayed for. I knew that I wanted to receive any gifts that God would give me, so I walked up, trying the whole time to fight off the doubts that continued to grow in my mind. You see, after experiencing days full of emotional freedom, and a pouring and softening of my heart, it was strange that on this night I didn't feel a thing, nothing at all. As I'm standing there, waiting, Matt, one of our leaders, looks up at me from praying over a friend. He gives me a huge smile and points at me while mouthing the word, "You!" At this point I knew it was time to get down to bitness.

Continue reading at your own "religious" risk, because I'm about to blow the top off that box you've kept God in all these years! I'm not really sure why I fell, but as Matt and Pastor Mark began praying over me, I lost my footing and Matt slowly lowered me to the ground. They never stopped praying, even for a second. Pastor Mark walked off to tend to others, while my brother Will walked over to replace him. At this point I had begun to shake sporadically . I would experience short bursts of intense shaking, or a long sting of gentle shaking. My left hand began to take on the form like that of a stroke victim and my mouth was locked in some form a "O" shape. I began to feel something moving in my arm and mouth as well. It was as if my body were numb and asleep, without the needling pain that usually accompanies such sensations. As my convulsions grew bigger and more intense, I started sputtering. The men praying over me were encouraging me to speak in tongues and inviting the Holy Spirit to work through me. All the while I was thinking, "Hmm, this is getting pretty weird, but I guess I'm starting to speak in tongues!"

Matt heard my sputters and urged me to speak louder. Will was beginning to praise God, but his heart was telling him to, "Rebuke!" Will was confused, "No God, this is a good thing! He's speaking in tongues and your Spirit is on him. This can't be bad!" But his heart continued to shout, "Rebuke!" He was getting frustrated, so he opened his eyes. When he did this, what he saw and did after his eyes were open confirmed what his heart was saying. At the base of my throat was a giant lump and when Will put his hand on the lump, I think we all knew at that moment it wasn't the Holy Spirit I was manifesting, but a demon! "Holy s--t...it's a demon," I remember thinking. The intensity of Matt's prayers increased and I could literally feel the air around me growing thicker as my convulsions and their prayers grew in paralleled unison. Once Matt felt that it was a demon, he began asking God to give him its name. He prayed louder and harder! "Give me a name Lord! I need the name!" That was all Will needed to hear and he finally confirmed his heart with his mouth and shouted, "I rebuke you!" Matt immediately followed that with the demon's name, "Sexual shame!"

My eyes shot open! My body took on a mind of its own! I had no control, but I felt everything. Anger, so much anger! Their hands had been on me, but they lost their grip as I tried to pull away. I started for the left side of the room, but by this time they had tackled me back to the ground. I was clawing the ground and screaming, "Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!" With a guttural scream that came from something deeper than myself. It was full of fear, power, and hate. I was literally dragging the two of them across the room. They never stopped praying! Time seemed to slow down and the two to three minutes after the demon manifested itself seem much longer now as I'm remembering it. By this time two more guys on our team joined Matt and Will in holding me down and praying over me. I remember seeing Warren and AJ with their faces taking on intense forms of prayer as the demon was trying to fight them off. Four men were trying to hold me down and I was still dragging them as I fought. I was so strong! Then there came the turning point...

I literally felt a weight come over me, that was so heavy, I can only assume was the hand of God. The demon was powerless, but I could still feel the intense hatred! Somehow during this time they flipped me onto my back and Matt had begun praying into my face as loudly and powerfully as he could muster. The demon looked him square in the face and the hate grew more intense! It was hard to believe! My screams of, "Nooo!", turned to curses of, "F--k you! F--k you! F--k you!" They never stopped praying. The process climaxed and the Spirit of God was upon me. The demon had no choice, but to flee, he was beaten.

I immediately felt an incredible peace. I was sweating, hoarse, and exhausted beyond measure, but there was a giant smile on my face. I knew and felt God's love in the deepest parts of my soul. I had been given freedom, a word that has become the theme of my life these past days. I finally recognized the power of God's people and the strength he's put in all us Christians! The box of religion that I've always put him in was laying pieces around me. "Thank you Father," I breathed.

--- If you have any questions, I encourage you to ask! This is pretty big stuff for most of us. It was big for me! But I believe that our God is capable of anything! He loves you and wants you to know that He sent His son to set you free!